Vince Deagler

i have had a pretty interesting week i’d like to share with you.  the reason i found it interesting is because of the unexpected happy ending.  it has been my experience over the years that we christians are sometimes walking contradictions.  we are challenged in scripture to love our neighbor as our self.  to consider others before our self.  to bear with each other.  to work very hard at maintaining the unity of the spirit.  to work at reconciliation.  after all, we are the body of christ and the family of god.  shouldn’t all of those kind of scriptures result in a “band of brothers and sisters” mentality?  shouldn’t our commitment to the body/the family result in a bond that is almost indivisible?  yet the reality is much different.  so, let me make a few suggestions on how we can work through conflict in a way that strengthens our bond to each other.  these are in the spirit of romans 12:21 where we are called to overcome evil with good.

1.  be an internalist.  in any conflict i can only control my side of the problem.  as i control me, i am doing all i can.  too often we are focused on what the other person(s) is saying and doing.  but i don’t control that, i only control me.

2.  be outcome oriented.  solving the problem, being reconciled is the point.  winning the argument or assigning blame is not.  many an argument has been won without solving the problem and being reconciled, often in that process the relational damage escalates.  we need to be wiser than that.

3.  be reasonable.  if this is not a moral or doctrinal issue with a clearly defined right and wrong, be willing to compromise.  but be careful.  culturally we compromise through give and take negotiation.  the problem with that is we usually conclude we got the short end of the stick when a compromise is reached.  this usually precedes further conflict.  instead, out of love, actively pursue areas where you agree and can move toward each other (remember you control you in this process).  the net result when you do this is you bump into each other somewhere near the middle ground, not because of negotiation which leads to keeping score…but in love.  much better approach.

4.  be radical.  there are times when in the midst of conflict we can display a christ like love that truly is radical in nature.  our culture really values our rights, but i can choose to release my rights.  i can choose to agree with you, do things your way as in turning the other cheek, going the extra mile, giving your coat also.

5.  be wise.  you do know there are many things that just aren’t worth arguing about.  so why would we then argue or divide over those kind of things.  i have seen church’s split over the color of the carpets, over whether the choir wore robes or not, and all kinds of other trivial issues.  doesn’t paul remind us that the kingdom of god is more than eating and drinking?

6.  be humble.  do not be afraid to seek help.  perhaps as you seek the counsel of others you will discover creative alternatives to the glory of god.

this past week i was involved in a situation where brothers were divided, largely over misunderstanding.  i admit it…i was pretty pessimistic.  experience told me things like this do not end well.  i was resigned to that outcome.  and then god surprised me.  i love it when he does that!  the misunderstandings were resolved, reconciliation won the day.  all because several christians were willing to act like christians.  it doesn’t get any better than that!  may you, as you journey on, experience this same joy in those moments your commitment to others is tested.  blessings, vince.