Vince Deagler

hi out there.  sorry for not blogging in awhile, went to tahoe for a few days last week and then had to play catch up.  most of that is behind me now.  was mulling over a lot of stuff about which i was gonna blog, and then senator kennedy died.  i don’t know about you, but that has caused me to do some soul searching.  let me explain.

politically i lean toward conservatism.  there are certain groups and individuals that my basic response goes something like…if they are for it, i’m pretty much against it.  (these groups generally would include among others the teacher unions, aclu, radical environmentalism, and yes, senator kennedy)  so here i am, a committed follower of jesus, and quite honestly i am struggling with his death. 

on one hand he bore the image of god as do all humans.  by virtue of this fact alone he had eternal worth and was deeply loved by god.  but speaking very personally, and trying to be as transparent as possible, i’m not sure if i loved him at all, let alone to the level god did, or to the level required by christs command to love our neighbors as ourselves.  i would like to think that given the chance i would love him as christ, but that is more speculation and wishful thinking than reality.  do any of you share this struggle???

here is some of the stuff i am wrestling with.  jesus loved everyone, that’s a given, but how?  its easy to see in the story of the woman at the well, the woman taken in adultry, the good samaritan.  but did he love the pharisees?  sadducees?   well if he loved everyone, he must have.  but then look at matthew 23.  jesus pronounces a whole series of “woes” on them, he blasts them for hypocrisy, by most standards we would use it does not come across as love.  so what gives?  did jesus love them?  if so, this is part of the how he showed it.  or he didn’t love them at all, and well we have much bigger problems then, because the integrity of scripture would be up for grabs if that were true.  so i am back to where we started, senator kennedy is dead and i am struggling with how i should feel.

as a christian i am to be loving.  this would be so easy if i perceived senator kennedy as a friend of our country and christ.  for instance, the day will come when billy grahm will die.  i will not have any trouble at all.  i will be filled with fond thoughts of what he did for jesus, and sympathy for his family.  i wish i could say i have some of those thoughts about senator kennedy’s death.  but i really don’t.  i am just being honest.  i can’t think of one thing i admired about the man, or his family.  and so i am left to struggle.  are these feelings un-christ like?  or are these feelings compatible with my being a follower of jesus, but because we have so confused what it means to love, i feel guilty for no real reason?  how would jesus feel about all this, and do my feelings align with his?  this is the struggle, and there isn’t a lot of info to go on. 

we have indication of how jesus felt when friends died as in lazarus, john the baptist, the other lazarus (the beggar), even the repentant thief on the cross.  but what about the unrepentant thief?  what about the rich man in the story of the rich man and lazarus?  was jesus broken up?  if so, in what way and where do we see it?  that’s a part of the struggle i have.  we have indication that jesus is unwilling that any should die in an unrepentant state, but wanted all to come to repentance.  but that is a big part of the problem.  i saw no remorse (repentance), no pursuit of righteousness, no indication at all that this man had any concern for the things of god.  so i am left dealing with the stark reality that as far as i can tell by the fruit of his life, this man, who i percieve to be a rejector of god, has crossed over into eternity totally unprepared and as such his rejection of god has become permanent.  this makes me incredibly sad.  god loved him, christ died for him, should he spend eternity seperated from god would be tragic.  such a waste.  but is that sadness, love?  should i feel more?  different?  if so, in what way should i feel different and how should i make that journey?

that is my struggle.  again, i am just being honest.  i am not interested in playing some kind of christian/religious game.  i refuse to act as if the death of senator kennedy has some huge impact on my life.  maybe that makes me a bad person.  i hope not, i do not want to be a bad person.  but, this is how i feel.  i read a quote the other day that made sense to me, i think it was by bill bennet.  he said…it is not appropriate to speak ill of the dead, nor is it appropriate to lie, so i will just be quiet.  (or something like that)  that really summarizes my feelings.  most of what is celebrated about his life i disagree with, and the rest is ignored when i feel it is what defined him and his family.  and before you say i should be more forgiving show me where he wanted biblical forgiveness (i use this term intentionally because i am sure he wanted some kind of forgiveness, but i’m equally sure he did not want biblical forgiveness).  there is a difference between biblical forgiveness, and wanting the dirt swept under the rug so a political career could continue.  that mentality is completely incompatible with the doctrine of forgiveness.  as i john says…if we confess our sins, god is faithful and just to forgive us our sins.  as proverbs says…he that covers his sin shall not prosper, but who so confesses and forsaketh shall find mercy.  to confess means to get things out in the open, it is the opposite of covering things up.  to my knowledge the general way in which scandel was dealt with by the kennedy clan was cover-up.  and as far as i can tell, genuine forgiveness requires a repentant attitude and a desire for personal clearing up of the matter which according to the story of zacheus includes making amends.  so i am left with the struggle of not being bitter, angry with, or holding a grudge against someone i find offensive (in other words having a forgiving attitude toward someone who does not seek forgiveness).  how does god do that?  and how can i apply that?  good question.

i feel bad an image bearer has died, i feel bad his family has to grapple with that loss, i feel bad he may be seperated from god for all eternity, i feel bad because god loved him and had so much more for him.  but that is about it, and i am not sure what that says about me.

i do take some degree of hope from the fact i care about this.  perhaps this is indicative that god is at work within me, even if i have a long way to go.  thanks for reading, i would love to get some feedback.  i want to reflect jesus, just not sure i’m there.  peace.  vince