Vince Deagler

hi out there.  i’m not sure about you, but i often find myself very perplexed by some of the stuff that’s taking place around us.  for instance, today the supreme court is hearing a case involving a 13 year old student who was strip searched in school because another student claimed she had a few advil on her.  now that just strikes me as bizarre.  aren’t these the same schools that advocate for the distribution of condoms?  instructions on the validity of homosexual relationships?  aren’t these the same schools that will take a student to an abortion provider, have them make a life altering decision, even allow them to have an abortion procedure all without parental notification?  does this confuse anyone besides me?  somehow i find a major medical procedure to be way more serious than an aspirin, but that just might be me.  i do think it has to confuse the children growing up in this world.  they are treated as responsible adults with condoms, abortions, and sexuality but as children when it comes to aspirin.  it is a very different world today, not necessarally better, but definitely different.  at the risk of being labeled “old fashioned” and “out of step” let me suggest we check out what the scripture has to say about parenting, childhood, and growing up (a great springsteen tune).

we have been working through ephesians in our church and have reached chapter 6.  in v. 1-4 paul addresses children, and then parents.  first he calls children to obey, which in itself is out of step with all the current trends in society.  i say that because it implies there are absolutes and authority in a world that today is immersed in moral relativism which rejects both of these.   truth is whatever i determine it to be for me, what is true for me, may not be true for you.  if that is true, and that is certainly the prevailing view of our culture, how could a parent ever impose any kind of standard or rule on their children.  they are to be free to decide what is right for them, they should not be expected to obey.  maybe i’m being a bit sarcastic, but that sure seems to ring true in my opinion.  and maybe even more unfortunately, parents have bought into this idea.  (i think this is true for a number of reasons.  it lets them off the hook, they want to be liked, they actually believe in relativism and democratic parenting, etc.)  in the midst of this god says children are to obey.  that implies parents are to lead, instruct, guide.  the reason children are to obey, is because paul says it is right.  i am not implying a childs imput is not valuable.  i am implying children need parents, homes are to be parent led not child centered, democratic parenting experiments.  as every mature adult readily aknowledges, we still don’t know it all, but we know way more than we did as we were growing up.  so children are to obey because it is right.  i believe this would apply as long as you are a child.  childhood is not so much a chronological age, as it is a statement on function.  when you begin to function as an adult…read live independently from mom and dad…i believe you are now no longer responsible to obey your parents.  as long as you depend on them, you should obey them.  but please don’t take this to the outer limits of absurdity.  as paul says, obedience is connected to “in the lord”.  it is quite possible for a parent to lead in a way that is contrary to god’s will.  in such cases, the child should recognize the higher authority of god.

children are also called to honor their parents.  this is quite different.  there are limitations to obedience.  when a child becomes an independent adult, when a parent leads contrary to gods will, a child is no longer expected to obey.  i’m not so sure this is true of honor.  it seems to me that even when we disagree, we can and should do so with an attitude that honors our parents.  i would think this concept would be quite alarming to a child who grew up in an abusive environment.  i don’t want to get into all that right now, but would recomend the book “bold love” by dan allander and tremper longman.  they deal with our responsibility to boldly love our neighbor, even when that is a very complicated and difficult proposition.  i think the principles they share are directly transferable to the responsibility of honoring our parents.  in fact paul says when we do in fact honor our parents, there is a promise attached.  things will go well with us with the result your life will be extended.  could we turn that around???  could it be that many of our problems are directly related to the rejection of, disrespect towards our parents and their values?  i think you can make a case, a strong case for this.  but that will have to wait.

paul also addresses parents in this passage.  v.4 warns parents to not frustrate their children to the point where they give up and drop out on life.  that does not mean they should never be upset.  i do not know how it would be possible to do a good job of parenting, without at some point, perhaps many points, upsetting your children.  remember your first priority is not that they like you, it is to prepare them to be functional, independent adults, who are dependent on god, and able to make a positive contribution to the community with their lives.  solomon says…foolishness is bound in the heart of a child…we as parents need to help with that in a way that does not overly frustrate them to the point of exasperation.  so, let me make a few suggestions.  avoid unrealistic expectations from them.  don’t belittle them with labels.  avoid personal hypocrisy (i learned to wear a seatbelt because of this one).  praise, appreciate, aknowledge their efforts.  enjoy them (they will not be around forever, and when they are gone you may have a lot of regret if you don’t take advantage of these days that you have them).  let them fail knowing you still accept and love them.  be clear on your expectations, instructions.  follow through.  don’t change the rules as you go along or without explanation.  don’t forget to admit when you are wrong and seek their forgiveness.  etc. 

paul then calls we parents to bring them up.  this implies parenting is a process that takes place over an extended period of time.  common sense says there is a progressive element to parenting.  we certainly will parent teens differently than toddlers.  but throughout the process parenting is a proactive activity that has 2 moving parts.  we are to train our children…put into their mind, get into their heads the things they will need to live successfully.  we are to discipline them.  i do not see this as a punitive activity as much as i see it as a proactive measure that reinforces the value of obedience, good behavior.  again let me make some suggestions.  i think we live in a very different world today.  when i was growing up, corporal puinishment was the norm, even in school.  it was a scary thing to end up getting “the paddle”.  and to top it off, when you got in trouble at school, you not only paid for this at school, you paid again at home.  lets just say things have changed.  i am not one of those teachers who thinks he is wiser than god.  there are many passages that remind us of the value of physical discipline.  you will need to make that decision in your home.  but should you use physical discipline please be careful that you do not discipline in anger or frustration.  our goal is to use all discipline as a teaching tool…a tool that reminds the child of the wisdom of obedience.  every child and circumstance will be unique, so use your best judgment.  discipline should be a unified effort of the parents, not a wedge issue that divides your marriage.  it should be consistent, varied in technique (so it does not become stale), suited to the offense, and permeated with love.

i know how old fashioned this passage sounds.  i read enough and keep up with current events enough to see how this flies in the face of current trends.  but from my own observation i would point out, the further we go down that road of childrens rights, democratic parenting, and moral  relativism the more chaos, confusion, and heartache we experience as a culture.  it remind me of a verse…i think in proverbs…there is a way that seems right to a man…but it is not a happy ending.  perhaps god knows a lot more than he is given credit for in the area of human nature, childhood, parenting, growing up, society in general.  i sure believe that.  so, if your struggling in these areas, hang in there.  god has the answers.  if you need help finding them, i’d love to help.  drop me a line at pefcvince@sbcglobal.net .  thanks for reading.  blessings.  vince